Sunday, October 13, 2013

Hello, out there.



Greetings. I'm slightly shocked about how long it's been since I posted. Only slightly though. I felt a long break from outside communication coming on, I just kind of...put it off for a while. I was feeling like a failure for not recording enough of my move to a new city. When I was bored with my life, I seemed to document a hell of a lot more of it than I do now that I'm feeling a little more connected with what I want. It really is a puzzle because: how much of your life can you spend documenting before that starts to outweigh the actual "living" part? I want to write....about so many things. I constantly feel this aimless need to add to my fictional stories or start new ones and also to get my genuine thoughts/feelings/experiences down on paper before they slip away.

I began to wonder if that anxiousness was something I had in common with other expressive people or if it was what I had defaulted into being anxious about as a distraction from my usual worries. Would I even know if I was doing that? As an anxious person, I've been taught that any kind of enthusiasm should be second guessed because it often leads to expectations and anticipation which, for me, are things that drive me crazy. I once stayed awake all night because I told my ex that Mozart's Serenade No. 10 in B flat major was one of the saddest pieces of music I had ever heard and he told me that I thought "everything was sad". I hate thinking that I seek out melancholy because it makes it difficult to enjoy things (like writing) without wondering how "healthy" they are for me. I've talked a little before about how much I second guess myself. It just seems to be a cycle that I can't break for very long. Maybe some day. At least I'm aware of it.

Anyway, I kind of went into hiding for a bit since I last posted. I sort of stopped talking about anything more serious than the weather to people and gave my brain some time to sort things out. I attempted to write a blog post a few times but just felt that I wasn't ready. The world is full of bad and while I'm extremely grateful for the lack of bad in my life, sometimes it sneaks in and reminds me that none of us are immune to it. That's always a hard truth to swallow, isn't it?

Luckily, miraculously, thankfully, I do not have anything to complain about as far as my life goes. My cat, Cleo has a vet appointment tomorrow to get a lump looked at but I'm certain it's an abscess from her playing with the other cats. I've seen them before. Having 4 cats definitely keeps me busy on my time off! It's worth it though.

Work is going well, I'm even thinking of starting school up again when I can, now that I'm a little more settled. I've been playing guitar and brushing up a little bit on piano which has been a wonderful way of clearing my head. I'm trying to eat a bit healthier and I've quit caffeine for the sake of my kidneys. No soda, coffee, caffeinated tea....anything! It's been rough but I'm very proud to say I'm on day 3. I was consuming more caffeine in a day than every other person I knew and that's not good.

With fall starting up, I definitely feel as if things are on an upward swing. I'm so excited for Holiday season and I'm curious about how it will feel here in Baltimore. As always, to whomever is taking the time to read my nonsense: Thank you. I hope your day is going well and that you get to spend it doing the things you love.

4 comments:

  1. Anxiety comes with creativity! Almost all of the interesting and fun people I know are little balls of nerves. You can join the ranks :)

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    1. Thank you :) That is definitely a more uplifting perspective :)

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  2. I've been missing your posts, so it's nice to hear from you again! In regards to sad music, I almost always prefer listening to "sad" music (anything in a minor key) than "happy" music. It doesn't make me sad or anything; I just think it's prettier and .. deeper, I guess. It has more weight to it, which I like. Sad things just make me happy.

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    1. Aw , thank you :)
      It's just prettier! I know! I totally agree. Sad things make me happy too :) I guess we're just weird!

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