I feel like I'm a professional driver these days. I've been taking trips to see my parents once or twice a week recently and it certainly is exhausting, even if it's worth it to see them.
The end of our lease is in the middle of May and I'm getting nervous. There still aren't any concrete plans as far as a living situation goes. I feel weird saying that I really want to leave the city but that's the truth. I do. I'll miss living in the midst of so much activity but I have been aching for nature and now it's decision time so I'm going to have to stick with that. I can always move back if I want to.
Moving on to the real reason I'm here...
I've always been the kind of person who says "sorry" a lot and I usually let others take the lead in conversation. I feel pretty crummy if I sense that someone doesn't like me for whatever reason and I'll try to earn the favor of others, even if I seem a little pathetic. I've always been that way.
The other day one of my bosses was in the store where I work and I was meeting him for the first time. He is openly arrogant and I usually do pretty well with people like that because well...I'm pretty good at kissing ass. It's sad but true. I've worked for jerks my whole life and I normally assume my status as a lowly employee when I start working for another one. Something that day was different though and it suddenly occurred to me that I didn't really care at all what this guy thought aside from how professional I was. I answered his questions honestly and I didn't feign empathy the way I do with customers. I let my emotions read on my face and when he was keeping me from my work, I simply told him so instead of trying to smile awkwardly while inching away to do what I needed to do. I wasn't rude. I was just at ease.
The people I've always admired the most are the people who seem to be at ease in front of others. I always thought I was missing that gene but apparently it's somewhere in me. So many awful things have been happening that have been testing the stretch of my sanity and patience but I've been getting through them. I've been helping other people get through them too. Maybe I simply used up all of my anxious energy or maybe I'm beginning to truly see myself as a capable, worthy human being and with the need to convince myself of that met, I don't feel the compulsion to convince others.
It was a fleeting feeling but a great one and I'm hoping that I can recapture it in the future. There's no reason for me to feel so vulnerable in front of people. I'm a good person and I need to trust that the real me, the one who doesn't have an answer for everything and who doesn't always agree with everyone, will suffice when it comes to the people who really matter.